


so we must be careful

by MmArgent



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, that tag seems obvious but maybe you can fake date a ghost idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-01-15 06:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21249257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MmArgent/pseuds/MmArgent
Summary: Only then does Connor realize that Evan isn't talking or moving, eyes fixated on the movie selection in front of him. He tugs on their linked hands to call his attention.He is not expecting Evan to turn around and say what he says.“We should say we are dating.”----------(for anyone wondering, same story different summary )





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Kurt Vonnegut's Mother Night: “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
> 
> A quick note for everyone, I don't know how much or how quick I will update this fic. It's mostly self indulgent and its kind of a relax and fun practice exercise for me that i wanted to share and wanted to write for a while now, but university and life are not the best for me now so i cant promise anything concrete.
> 
> Hope you guys like it, tho!

Connor says yes, because he is an idiot and trying to be a better brother, Zoe's voice drifting into background noise as he holds the phone to his ear. He is not sure what face he is making, but it must be a pretty explicit one if it is enough to prompt Evan to stand up from the sofa and make his way towards the kitchen, concern clearly shown in the way he is frowning. 

“Who is it?” Evan whispers as he settles on the other side of the counter, mirroring Connor. 

Connor mouths his sister's name slowly, as if whatever list of possible candidates that Evan had in his head would be too confusing if Connor didn't take his time to carefully enunciate a one syllable name. Realization dawns on Evan's face for a short lived second of clarity before his frown is back in place, worry weighting the corner of his lips down. Connor knows him enough to guess what he is thinking and what to do to stop it.

“Hey, Zo,” Connor interrupts whatever Zoe is in the middle of saying, wincing slightly when he realizes he has been ignoring her as she had apparently being giving him directions, “I am gonna put you on speaker, okay?”

He doesn't wait for any kind of approval before putting the phone on the table and touching the little speaker icon on his screen. 

“-is Evan there?” Zoe's amplified voice asks, making Connor roll his eyes. 

“Hi, Zoe.”

“Hi, Evan.”

“I am personally offended that you think my only company could be Evan, you know?” Connor says, making his sister laugh.

Evan whacks the back of Connor's head, narrowing his eyes even when Connor can see a smile already forming.

“You should be honored if I was your only company, you dick.”

“I can be honored and offended.”

“No, you can't.”

“Yes, I can.” Connor leans in, elbows resting on both sides of the phone. “As a matter of fact, I am.”

“No, you are not.”

“Boys!” There is laughter, not only Zoe's, that make it clear to Connor that he is on speaker as well. “You are both stupidly delighted to be in each others company, no need to fight over it.”

Evan shrugs at Zoe, conceding, and Connor can feel his heartbeat speed up because of it. Which is dumb, because he was supposed to get over his stupid crush when they were in high school and actually got to know each other. He was supposed to get over it when they entered university. When they stopped spending so much time together and met other people. When he screamed his lungs out at Evan and spat so much vitriol on his face to try and make him leave. When Evan had said all the right things to hurt him after a particularly bad day. When they had patched things up. When they admitted that their friendship was an important thing in both of their lives. When they met up this morning to study even if their classes were nothing alike. When Evan made himself at home as soon as he entered Connor's dorm. When he had smile and told him about his day. When they had worked in silence. He was supposed to get over it before Evan shrugged amicably to Connor's sister saying that they were stupidly delighted to be in each others company, confirming the speculation to be a fact for him.

And yet.

“Still,” Connor's protests, because he loves to be contrary and it's something to do apart from staring at his best friend. “Could have been someone else and then I would have had to explain who Evan was.”

Zoe snorts, “But it wasn't. And that would imply you meeting someone-”

“Rude.”

“I wasn't done, stop interrupting me.” A beat. “Good. As I was saying, that would imply you meeting someone, that someone getting dorm privileges,” Evan mouths “dorm privileges” and Connor thinks about hanging up, “And then somehow the presence of whoever that was being a big enough force to make you put me on speaker. Plus, as if anyone who knew wouldn't immediately know about Evan.”

“Fair.”

“So,” Evan interrupts, blush high in his cheeks. “What were you guys talking about?”

“I was inviting Connor over for a party tonight,” Zoe explains while Connor examines the counter, sure that Evan is raising his eyebrow at him. “I assume he put me on speaker because he wants to invite you but is too chicken to do so.”

“Hey!” 

“Am I wrong?”

Connor is silent because even when that wasn't the reason for him to do so, he can't bring himself to give the real one to Evan. Can't bring himself to admit that he did it to wipe the frown out of Evan's face the quickest way he knew how. Can't quite say that it felt a lot like insistics at the moment.

“See?” Zoe gloats and Connor glances at Evan, who is already looking at him, confusion back in place. 

“Sure, I will go.” Evan says, eyes not leaving Connor.

Zoe rattles the address after that and threatens to disown him somehow if she doesn't see him. She doesn't extend the same courtesy to Evan, instead telling him that he is free to ditch Connor and leave if he wants to. 

Evan finishes the call for him and moves, circling the counter to stand next to Connor. 

“What's the real reason?” 

Connor sighs and lets his head hit the counter.

“I don't want to go.” He mumbles, not really convinced Evan will believe him.

He doesn't. 

“You have said no to Zoe before,” Evan's voice goes soft and Connor shuts his eyes, shielding himself from his expression. “She is not going to hate you for it, Connor.”

“I know.”

“We can tell her I got sick and you are taking care of me or something, but I don't really think you should lie to her.” 

He would kill for this boy.

“I know.”

There is a hand on his shoulder, gently squeezing. “What is it, Connor?”

It's stupid. “There is this guy,” He can feel Evan tensing behind him, probably guessing that he got in a fight or something, so he rushes the words, trying to reassure him, “He is friends with Zoe and he is nice, he is fine, but he was in one of my classes before, and he kept trying to talk to me and then tried to get me to date him or whatever. I don't know. He is going to be there tonight.”

Evan doesn't say anything for a few seconds, his voice awfully quiet when he finally does. “Do you like him?”

Connor whips around so fast that he makes himself dizzy, hands hitting the counter to steady himself. 

“No,” Connor says firmly, “That's the issue here. I don't want to reject him at the party and ruin it for Zoe.” He admits, “He is not a bad kid, he is just not my type, you know?” He is not you. 

“Maybe he won't go?”

“Zoe was gushing over him going because he always brings good food.”

“That's a weird thing to gush about.”

“Say that after you taste the food.” At Evan's stare, Connor clarifies. “That's what Zoe said when I asked her to stop.”

“Ah.”

Connor laughs a bit, the sound lacking actual joy in it, “So yeah, guess I will just say yes to-”

“No!” Connor startles and Evan clears his throat, “I mean, you don't like him, you shouldn't give him hope.”

“Rejecting him and him saying something to Zoe would be worse than that.” Connor tries to argue back, but his own heart is not on it. He knows it would be cruel to string someone along. And he is supposed to be less of an asshole.

“Connor.” The tone is stern and Connor lowers his head.

“I know, I know.” He hates this. “I don't want to ruin her party. I did that already so many times.”

“You can explain the situation to her. Maybe she can talk to her friend.” Evan offers.

“But then she will be worried about that!” He doesn't mean to shout. His hands are on his own hair, messing it up. He breathes. Lowers his hands and his voice. “Sorry,” Eyes downcasted, he continues. “She is so excited about it, Evan. She wants me to meet her friends. She never wanted me to meet her friends before.”

Evan hugs him. It's sideway and a bit awkward, Connor weirdly aware of his shoulder stabbing Evan's neck and how uncomfortable it must be. He shifts and the hold tightens until Evan seems to realize that he isn't trying to move away, but to find them a better angle. It's a wonder and at the same time, completely predictable to Connor that he can breathe easier in the confinements of Evan's arms that he ever could in the open space outside of it. He hides his face on the crook of Evan's neck and tries to concentrate in calming himself down, ignoring the selfish part of himself that is begging for him to never move.

Connor is not sure how long they stay like that, but by the time he lets go, shame has settle around his shoulders. He takes a step back and Evan reaches for his hand, preventing Connor from moving farther away.

“You okay?” He is so soft, so careful with him and Connor knows that getting over Evan Hansen is a fool's errand. 

He doesn't trust his voice so he nods, squeezing Evan's hand.

“We will figure something out. It's going to be okay.” Evan reassures him, tugging him towards the sofa. 

They sit down and Connor is grateful. He is exhausted and that is one more reason to not go to the damn party. Not that any number of reasons would do anything to trump the fact that he is going to go, because Zoe wants him to and he is not willing to throw away her trust, no matter how uncomfortable it might make him. He can sneak around the house or do something, he is sure. He can do it. He doesn't want to but he will. 

“Want to see a movie?” 

Evan should be studying. Connor shouldn't bother him like this. “If you want to.” 

“Wouldn't have asked otherwise.” 

Connor puts his legs on the sofa, ready to bring his knees to his chest and cocoon himself, when he notices that his hand is still linked to Evan's. It's not unusual for them to do this, is not the first time either, both of them recognizing that physical contact helps when everything is not quite tangible, when their heads are too unfocused to stay grounded. Even so, he wishes that it meant something more. That he could do it unprompted without a reason or an excuse. That it would be normal to see their hands interlocked and swinging as they walked. That he could kiss the back of it and see Evan blush. 

It hurts in it is warmth and Connor looks away, hugging his leg with only one hand, aware that Evan would think it strange if he yanked his other hand free.

Only then does Connor realize that Evan isn't talking or moving, eyes fixated on the movie selection in front of him. He tugs on their linked hands to call his attention.

He is not expecting Evan to turn around and say what he says.

“We should say we are dating.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i have two already ongoing fics and im sorry for the delay if any of you read those, but i really needed a break from a lot of plot and just, you know.
> 
> Random fact: this was gonna be a one shot but i am a sucker for validation and couldnt avoid a cliffhanger. rip me


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna post this a week ago and then my computer decided to die and not let me finish. Also, was expecting less pages, dont know what happened or what possessed me to do this but!!!! I hope you guys like it!

Evan is rambling and Connor is sure he should be paying attention to what he is saying, should at least try to follow the sense of the sentences or the correlation between the speed of the speech and the increasingly slacker hold on his hand, but it's a lost battle to even suggest his mind to focus on anything but the general idea that Evan wants people to know they are dating.

To think they are dating. 

It's pretend, he has gathered that much from what Evan is explaining, but it matters little to Connor when he is aware that it would be the reverse when applied to him. He didn't need a disguise to play this charade, only needed to step out of the one he had always on. 

Connor knows it would be easy to shift the lense a little and follow through with the lie. He has imagined it countless times when awake and dream of it even more when asleep. There is an old ache in his chest that never quite numbs down when they are together, that brings forth possibilities that he has filled with romantic notions that always make him feel ashamed when Evan is gone and he is alone with continuations that never came to happen. Those tend to morph into more realistic scenarios, with the fallout of reckless actions and the quiet disgust of hoping for something more out of someone who already gave more than he deserves to receive in the first place. 

What Evan is selling is a silver platter of no consequences for Connor. He couldn't fall more in love or delude himself into thinking Evan was flirting with him when every action his friend could make had the warning of being made up. There were no downsides to saying yes for him. There was not going to be regret at tasting something he couldn't keep because he knew it was never meant to be his to start with. 

It would hurt, yes, but it would be a night of fairytale stupidity and a chance to dip his fingers in a dream. To unabashingly and publicly love the boy in front of him and be loved in return, even when it stinged to have the knowledge of different intentions mapping their movements. 

It was selfish, to not stop and clear the air, to not decline and offer an excuse as explanation, but Connor only had to accept to stop wondering. It was a too fine line towards disaster, but he could make sure than when his shitty balance made an appearance and he tumble into it, he would not drag Evan down with him. He would not ignore his friend. He would not make this a regrettable choice. 

Connor tunes in back into the conversation to find that Evan is looking expectantly at him, as if he has asked something that Connor was supposed to answer to.

“Sorry, I wasn't listening,” Evan's face falls and composes itself in a second, making Connor curse inside his own head before rushing the words out when Evan's fingers try to move away from where they were barely grasping Connor's own. “But! But I think it could work.”

Evan sighs, “You really weren't listening.” 

“Mn?”

“I was pointing out everything that would make this a stupid idea and something I shouldn't have suggested in the first place.” Evan huffs and lets his head fall against the backrest, looking at Connor sideways as he continues, “You know how I get. Reckless when cornered.”

Connor moves so he can mirror him, ignoring the small pop of his neck at the new position. “Did I make you feel cornered?” He asks, because that part is important.

“No, not you,” Evan reassures him. “Just, the situation in general, you know. I don't like it when you are feeling sad.” 

Connor bites his lip to avoid blurting a love confession right there. Instead, he takes a breath and Evan's hand. 

“I get sad a lot,” Connor admits, “You know that. It happens. It sucks and I wish it didn't, but it does. I don't want you jumping through holes and forcing yourself into uncomfortables spaces for my sake, Evan.” He can let go of the notion of dating Evan. He has in the past, it's nothing new. It's not worthy at the expenses of this. “I was more frustrated than I was sad, to begin with. So don't worry about that, okay? I know you were trying to help.”

It feels like an eternity to wait for Evan to talk again, as if all the words have deserted him and never come back after his rant before. Connor is about to speak again, to settle the matter and tell Evan to leave it to him, to tell him that Connor can go alone to the party or that they could go together and put their years of practice in being ignore to good use, when he hears a whisper, words too quiet to understand. 

“What was that?” Connor asks, his voice dropping lower as well.

“I said,” Evan shuffles towards him, “That you said yes. Why did you say yes to it?”

Connor laughs to stall and clears his throat hoping it would do the same for his thoughts. “It was a good plan,” He brings casualness into the words, forces the lingering hope down, “People already think we are dating all the time and that's with us saying otherwise to their faces, so, you know.” He tries for a smile, turns it a bit sharp, searching for a comfort zone to hold on. “I like your reckless plans, they are always hilarious in the end.”

Evan laughs and Connor counts it as a win. “They are a stress induced nightmare, that's what they are.”

“Which is exactly why they are hilarious as fuck,” Connor counters, “It's like you are going a mile an hour and all of us are waiting for the crash to happen.”

Evan groans, “You are an awful friend, you know?”

Connor thinks about wanting more than this and says, truthfully, “Yes”

“Why do I even hang out with you?” 

_ I don't know. _ “Because you love me.”

“That sounds backwards.” Evan murmurs, voice drifting as if he is not quite there

“I only speak the truth, man.” Connor lies, poking the center of Evan's forehead. The small jump confirms that Evan was on his way to zooming out. “So,” He desperately want to forget about what almost was, “movie?”

Evan shakes his head and Connor tries to not show his disappointment. He doesn't want Evan to leave.

“We need to do research,” Evan says, matter-of-factly. “You sister has seen us before.”

Connor is lost. “What?”

Evan looks determined and Connor forgets how breathing works, “If we are going to pull this through, we need to be convincing.” 

Hope is a treacherous thing that trembles inside his chest and makes the words hushed when Connor gets Evan's point. “You said it was reckless.”

“Yes,” Evan concedes, “But you made good points in its favor.”

“I wasn't trying to convince you, if you felt uncomfortable-”

“I know, Connor, but you were right. It would actually help, which was why I had suggested it at the beginning, for both of us. It's a good cover to avoid getting hit on by guys who won't give up,” And okay, that is unfair, “And it's a good excuse to not socialize with anyone else because, honestly?, today is one of those days.”

“You don't have to come with me,” Connor reminds him, tries to drown out the thousands of concerns that would make Evan back down, knowing that he is throwing a flimsy defense. He doesn't want Evan to reconsider, but he won't trap him in a single option either. “Especially if you aren't feeling up to it.”

“I am going,” Evan decides and points at Connor, “And you are going to be the best fake boyfriend I could ask for and we are going to be disgustedly sweet and nobody is ever gonna try to make a move on you ever again.”

Connor waits a beat, giddiness mingling with surprise, until Evan's entire face turns red and he hides in his hands, dropping the one that had been held by Connor's. 

“You can't back down, that was so embarrassing to say.” Evan peeks through his finger, voice muffled by his hands. 

Connor laughs, happiness no longer contained, as he doubles down and rests his own forehead in his knees, tears in danger of spilling. It's hard to breathe and his ribs are not content with the position he is keeping, but it doesn't matter when his heart is singing to the point of muting all his thoughts.

It takes a moment and Evan's glare to make him stop, coughing a bit in his quest to bring air to his lungs without exploiting into another fit of giggles.

“I am going to ruin any other fake boyfriend you could ever have,” Connor says, half of his self control dedicated in not letting his voice rise or crack over the words, “Zoe is going to believe us so much that she is going to start organizing a wedding.”

Evan shoves him good naturally, “So we need to research.”

“Why?” Connor whines.

“Do you know how to act like a couple?” Evan asks, one eyebrow raised, “You haven't dated anyone.”

Connor mimics getting hit on the chest, “Damn, Hansen, not pulling your punches, huh?” He doesn't let his smile sour. He doesn't. “You have dated before and I have seen you dating, that's enough, isn't it?”

Evan shakes his head, “We wouldn't work like that.” 

Now it's Connor turn to raise an eyebrow, “You sound sure.”

“I am,” He doesn't explain further, which Connor thinks is rude because he really needs to know where the confidence is coming from, “So I am going to use your laptop to wikihow this and you are going to get us some snacks to work through this.”

“I don't have snacks.”

“But I am hungry.” 

Connor sighs and stands up, “I will be back in fifteen minutes.”

“You are an angel.”

“And you are the devil incarnate.”

“No one will believe you.” Evan sings songs, laptop already in his hands, sprawling on the sofa like he owns the place.

Connor kinda wish he did.

He takes his keys, wallet and the phone on his way out, knowing that this is an excuse for both of them to process what they just agreed to. What they are planning to spend the afternoon scheming. 

He calls Zoe on his way to the store, knows that is best for him to deliver the news that to make Evan do it. He is also aware that Evan had told him it was bad to lie to his sister and then made a plan that had lying to his sister as a focal point. He didn't raise the question because he didn't want to sound logical enough and make Evan come to the same conclusion he had come to before Connor somehow got him to think the plan was brilliant again. 

The calls goes to voicemail once and he waits for a few seconds before doing it again.

It connects.

“If you say you are not coming to the party anymore, I will kill you.” 

“I am going to the party,” That's the easy part. “But I need to tell you something.”

“Shoot.” He can hear rustling from the other side, can imagine her moving around her room because she never knew how to stand still while talking on the phone.

This is the hard part. “You are the first person that is going to know this,” No more rustling. Connor takes a breathe, “I am dating Evan.”

A beat. Two.

“Finally!” There is laughter in her voice and maybe there was a downside to this, a third player he should have consider in this game, “How long has this been going on?” They hadn't talk about this part yet. He freezes. “Is it new?” A gasp from her. “Did it just happen?!”

“Not exactly,” Connor should have done his research, “But it is new and I don't want to ruin this, so I wanted to let you know instead of, I don't know, hide it since you invited him to the party as well.”

“Well, I am glad for you. For the both of you.”

“Thank you.” 

“Tell me about it when you feel up to it, okay?” Her voice is soft, as if she afraid that too many questions would make him hang up. As if she can remember the times it has. “And tell me when you tell the others so we can unite to tease the hell out of you for putting us through years of pinning.”

Connor grimances, hopes that he is not as obvious as Zoe makes him sound. “Jeez, I regret telling you already.”

“No, you don't.”

He rolls his eyes and tries to stop thinking, because maybe Evan had been right when he was listing all the ways this could go sideways. 

“See you and your boyfriend tonight!” 

His heart hammers against his chest and Connor tries to push open a door that won't budge.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“No PDA, tho. I don't want to see that ever in my entire life, okay?”

Zoe hangs up before he can answer that, the trail of her laughter cutting itself short. Not that Connor had any kind of semblance of an answer for that, mind you, but he could do without having the images swimming in his head.

It takes him a minute to notice he has been trying to push open a door that has a sign above the handle that says pull, but he thinks he deserves a bit of a slack for getting inside the store at all instead of going to hide in a corner and frantically not think about kissing his best friend. 

The only problem is that, with nothing else to do but walk back with his hands full of all the snacks his wallet could allow, his imagination has too much room to run wild. And it's not like he has never thought about it, has never stop himself short or whatever. The point is that, right now, there is a possibility of it existing outside his mind. He would never force Evan to do so, of course, but he can't find himself saying no if the opportunity rises, can't quite buy the act of being decent enough to not take advantage of it.

If he is going to hate himself in the morning, it won't be nothing new to wake up to, after all.

There are not many people walking around, the sun high in the sky, harsh in the way it prickles at his skin, the air dry and heavy around him as he makes his way back. The trek to his dorm is not long but he takes his time, let the knowledge and the guilt settle in time with the music he hums, aware that his feet are carrying him with the hesitation he used to reserve when talking to his parents after one of his therapy sessions. 

Connor kicks the door softly when he reaches it, hands occupied and incapable of knocking otherwise. He hears Evan's voice calling something back, something said only for the purpose of letting him know he had been heard, but Connor kicks the door again, rapidly and not quite following the tune as good as he had expected to. 

There is the turning of the knob and Connor let his foot fall back down before it opens, making sure he won't accidentally stumble inside by the sudden lack of contact. He ignores Evan's huff and shoves a part of the stuff at his chest, waiting only for Evan's hand to grab them before making his way inside. 

“You do know that is your door and if it dents, you are the one who is going to have to have it fix, right?” Evan asks, the click of the door following him as he moves away from it.

Connor settles on the coach, and opens of the bag of chips he brought, not looking at Evan as he answers. “I can live with a dented door for the rest of the semester. I had have worse.”

“Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to _ make _it worse.”

“Hm.” Connor concedes, mouth full.

Instead of following him and sitting next to him, Connor sees Evan making his way towards the kitchen, presumingly to serve the drinks or find a bowl to put the food in, which would mean that there would be dirty dishes to deal with later on but also opened the opportunity of speaking to Evan about his chat with Zoe without having to make eye contact with him while ignoring the slight but very present guilt he is starting to feel about the whole ordeal. 

There is a clatter and Connor is halfway out of his seat before a very hurried “I am fine!” can be heard. Connos sighs and tries to concentrate in forming the words, mapping the conversation while chewing, avoiding by pure accident thinking about Evan moving around the kitchen, comfortable enough to not ask about where anything is, even when he probably should, since Connor doesn't actually have a system for organizing anything. He is exploring to his heart content and Connor is aware that he is about to shatter whatever calm they have right now with his next words.

Connor shallow the handful of food, clears his throat and calls out, “Hey, Evan?” A noise to indicate he is listening and more clatter, “You don't have to call Zoe,” Oh God, silence. “I am not backing down,” He assures, his hands rummaging through his chips to have something to concentrate in, “I called on my way to the store and told her about us dating or whatever, so you don't have to worry about that.”

The sound of the fridge's door closing, “How did she take it?”

“Good, fine, she said congratulations.” It's way too fast to sound casual and okay, but it's all Connor can do to avoid saying anything stupid about the whole teasing and pinning for years to the literal subject of said pinning.

“She didn't ask you anything else?” 

“When we got together, kinda, but she was also very Zoe when excited and walking on eggshells,” Connor sighs, breaking a chip and feeling the salt falling onto his fingers, “Guess she is going to interrogate me later, when the surprise fades.”

“Shit,” Evan appears from the kitchen, one glass in each hand, the snacks secured under one of his arms. Connor puts his own away and cleans his fingers on his jeans as he stands up, reaching for the glasses. “We should probably come up with something for how this happened.”

Evan let him take them and nods his thanks. “Anything your big search for answers in the internet can help with?” 

Evan huffs and puts his bag of chips on the coffee table before returning to the position he had when Connor left, grabbing the laptop instead of the food even when he had claimed to be hungry half an hour ago. “Wikihow has failed me.” 

Connor laughs at the disappointment painted on Evan's face and proceeds to move Evan's feet from his side of the sofa, letting them settle on his lap after putting the drinks on the table.

“How the fuck do you sound surprised about that?” 

“Hey, they have articles for everything. There was one about dating a nudist when you aren't one.”

“What?” He is glad he hadn't been drinking yet, sure he would have choked. 

“I got bored waiting after I couldn't find anything. I mean, I found stuff, but like, we already do all the stuff they recommend, so I tried to expand my search.” 

“So are you telling me everyone is right when they call us a couple? Did we somehow start dating and neither realized?” Connor jokes, stretching to reach his glass for something to do. “Show me, maybe you don't know how to look for it.”

“Rude,” The offended tone is too much for Connor not laugh, not really trying to take the laptop back but faking it either way. “Stop! No! My search was fine! It's not my fault that we are _ so _ healthy.”

Connor snorts, “That's a first.”

“Right? Who would have thought? We are actually functional.” Evan smiles and something settles, slow and comforting. 

“Come on, there must be something we are missing, can't be just a label.” Connor pats Evan's ankle, encouraging. “Read one to me, maybe I find something you missed.” 

“I didn't miss anything,” Evan insists, pulling the laptop further into his space and putting more weight on his legs to stop Connor from trying to reach it. “I read like three separate articles, we are following what they say. We communicate, we can read the other's body language, we don't technically go on dates but we do spend time alone together so I am counting that as dates right now because we aren't going to pretend to have like a hundred dates before it's eight and we have to leave, we are comfortable with casual physical contact,” He underlines this by poking Connor's tight with his heel. “We trust each other.”

Never had Connor heard so many good things being said in such a dejected tone of voice. “Anything else that was mentioned?” Connor tries, ignoring the suggestion that keeps springing into his mind.

“No,” Evan groans, throat exposed when he lets his head fall backwards for a few seconds, “I tried, I swear.”

“I believe you, but this is not supposed to stress you out-”

“Everything stresses me out.”

Connor gently smacks the ankle closer to his hand, reprimand voiced without words. 

“Sorry,” A sigh. “What were you going to say?”

“That we can work on it together, no need to overstress yourself with things when I can help. Also, open up.”

Evan's “What?” stumbles outs in the same way the chip Connor had thrown him does from his hands. A glare in response and then Evan is biting into the chip, which makes the glare not that effective. 

“You said you were hungry, so eat, I didn't walk all the way to the store for you to be ungrateful.” Evan makes a show of opening his pack of chips and taking a sip of his glass. “So as I was saying, we can work it out. It's easier to know what is lacking if we think it ourselves. You said that we wouldn't work as your past relationship worked, which okay, vague and confusing, but it did have a point. We know each other well, maybe we can start from there and walk backwards into the backstory of how we got together.”

“Okay, okay,” A breath taken and the laptop finds its way to the table, replaced by the food. “You are right, I am overthinking this. How do you think we would work together?”

“You are the one who has been in relationships before,” Connor deflects, biting down the harsh way the words try to come off as. “How do _ you _think we should work? 

“I asked first.”

“I asked second and have a legitimate excuse.”

“You just called it an excuse.”

“I also called it legitimate so, come on, Romeo, tell me all about how we should work.” 

Evan hesitates, a stretch of silence making it clear that he is thinking about it, already accepting defeat without actually saying it out loud. Connor continues to eat, ignoring how easy the answer to that question had come to him when Evan had asked, millions upon millions of daydreams logged into his brain that played off of that particular fantasy. Too fast for it to have come from the spring of the moment, dangerous in the eagerness and the details in a way that couldn't have been explained by anything but premeditated thoughts. 

A few minutes pass and Connor looks up, catching the way Evan is wringing his hands and biting his lip, brows furrowed and not here anymore. Connor sighs, steels himself with the knowledge that he had been doomed from the beginning of all of this either way, and presses the cold empty glass to the exposed skin between the socks and the beginning of Evan's pants. 

“Ah!” Evan startles, legs moving away from Connor's lap. “That was cold! Why did you do that for?”

“You are overthinking.”

“It's not an easy thing to imagine, okay?!” Evan protests, the tinge of anger breaking through.

The words hurt, especially when contrasted with his previous thoughts. They lodge in his throat and rip their way down as he shallows, face unflinching and blank. 

“We just have to pretend for one night, Evan, you don't have to create our vows or any of that shit, you know?” Connor takes his glass and rumples the almost empty bag of chips, standing up. “The only person that knows us there is Zoe and anything we do is going to fly over her head because she is going to believe we are nervous about her knowing.” He moves to the kitchen and sets the glass down with a bit more force that he intended. Tries to calm himself down, not to think about the implications of them together being so foreign of a concept for Evan. 

He hears footsteps coming in his direction and busies himself with opening the tab, washing his glass instead of looking towards Evan. 

“I am sorry,” Evan says, somewhere to his right, not close enough for Connor to see him or reach him in anyway. Connor ignores the sting of knowing exactly why he is doing so. “I was overthinking,” He admits, “I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”

Connor closes the tab and puts the glass away, “Are you uncomfortable?” He barks the words and cringes at the sound, attempts to focus on the way he is grabbing the edge of the counter instead.

“No! I am not, I did suggested this to start with.” Evan laughs the way Connor hates, nervous and high pitched.

“And I said yes to it, you are not forcing me into this even if you voiced the idea, for fuck's sake.” He turns to look at Evan, a knot in his chest dissolving a bit at the fact that the other boy is not making himself smaller against Connor's words, that he hasn't done something he would indeed regret. “You can back down, I can tell Zoe you dump me or we decided it was a bad time and place to announce whatever this was and then I can lie and say something happened if this is making you uncomfortable. It was supposed to be fun and an inside joke and something for us to relax in. If it's shitty for you, just fucking say so, but stop with the yo-yoing because I don't know how to handle it.”

Connor turns back around, reaching for a dish towel to dries his hands in, giving Evan whatever time he needs to settle on something, giving himself enough of a breather to calm down and maybe be gentler, less explosive, less him in general.

“You are right,” Evan's voice is not shaking and there is a hand on his shoulder that makes him want to turn around, but it squeezes when he tries, so he knows Evan doesn't want to face him for this. “I just, fuck, Connor, I don't know. You mentioned the fact that I have dated people before and don't you think it's bit fucked up from me? I mean, you haven't dated anyone and here I am, playing with the first time you would be, kinda, and I don't want to mess up.” 

Connor sighs, looks at the ceiling, “I said yes.” He reminds him.

“You have said yes to a lot of things you shouldn't have.”

“I trust you.” _ I love you. _

Evan moves and Connor can feel his forehead resting on the opposite shoulder his hand is on. Can feel him breathing and closes his eyes, blocks the possibilities of tears falling down, because this was supposed to be different. 

“I don't want to abuse that trust,” Evan gives back, words muffled by Connor's shirt. 

“You are not going to,” He can hear his own heartbeat, hopes that Evan is far enough from his neck to not see it pulsating. “I said yes. I say yes now too. I trust you. We are going to be fine, if you want to do this or if you want to not do it.” Connor's voice doesn't wobble and for that, he is grateful.

“I want to do this.” It's a small confession, a bit of leeway for hope to make its way back into the situation. “You will tell me if I do something you don't want me to do.” It's not a question.

Connor nods and opens his eyes. “I will.”

Evan laughs against his shoulder, shakes his head before moving away. It's an invitation to turn around and Connor takes it, forcing a smile.

“Are you sure you don't want to read over those articles again?” At Evan's confused stare, Connor elaborates, “You sure we are still the healthiest?”

There is huff and a smile as Evan answers, “Perfect communication right there. We are killing it.” He reaches for Connor's hands, disentangling his fingers from where they still have the dish towel in a miserable twist. Evan takes it and puts it over the counter, his other hand busy in dragging Connor away from the kitchen. “Come on, I am not done eating.”

Connor groans and lets himself be pulled, “You are the slowest eater ever.”

“I was distracted from my food.”

"You shouldn't have followed me then.”

“And let you break one of the two functional glasses you have? You already almost dented your door.”

They settle on the coach and Connor laughs when Evan makes a point of putting his legs over his lap again, complaining all the way until Connor moves close enough to rest his hands over his knees instead of his ankles because he didn't trust Connor to not make him jump again.

Connor drums his fingers where they rest, watching Evan finish his food and talking in bits about what they are planning to do, the atmosphere calmer as the sun starts to settle, stretching their shadows where they sit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted fluff, idk what happened, you guys


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: the format of the chapter was weirdly spaced compared to the others so i fixed that!

“Okay, so,” Evan says, pacing the room, Connor's eyes following from the sofa. “The basic lines are: We started dating two weeks ago, we have gone to one official date and a bunch of not quite dates because we had way too many exams and projects to be going out, you didn't tell your sister and I didn't tell Jared because we were both sure the other was going to back out somehow or that it wasn't going to last, but mostly because we wanted time to figure what this new thing meant to us, you confessed-” Evan turns to him, hands in hips. “I still think I should be the one-”

“I won rock-paper-scissors fair and square, Evan, I confessed.”

“It would be more credible-”

“Don't care,” Connor sings songs. “I won, I confessed my everlasting love to you and you swooned.” 

Evan snorted. “I didn't swoon, I stammered and close the door on your face.”

“And then your knees went weak at the other side of the door and you swooned while I started at your door like a puppy who got kicked out.” Connor widens his eyes and puts his most pathetic face on. “Woe is me, tragedy has struck me, how would I live after this? The shame, the unrequited feelings, the shattered friendship-”

“Oh, shut it,” Evan laughs, throwing himself next to Connor on the sofa, “Okay, so you confessed, but because you have the shittiest timing, I was already stressed out because of exams and couldn't deal with a confession on top of it, so I stammered an apology and closed the door on your face so I could panic inside without you looking at me. Happy?”

“Elated,” Connor deadpans, moving so he can lay his head on Evan's lap, throwing his legs over the armrest and closing his eyes before prompting, “And?” 

“And I knew I liked you,” Connor's breath hitches, caught by the soft tone of voice and glad that he had prepared himself to not be able to watch Evan while he said it. “But I didn't think you would ever like me back, but apparently you did, so, me being me, I threw the door open and yanked you inside, and in a brilliant example of why you should never spring anything on me, instead of being normal and tell you that I liked you too, I kissed you-”

“I should be the one to do that, I am impulsive.” Connor states and open his eyes a sliver when his nose gets flicked. “You know I am right, I should be the one kissing you.” 

“I won that round of the game,” Evan reminds him, smile lopsided. “And you are ridiculously careful when it comes to taking action first. Me, on the other hand, would 100% kiss someone out of the blue and hope that it telegraphs my feelings because there is no way in hell that I can admit them outloud.”

A beat, “Fine,” Connor concedes, closing his eyes again and trying to remind himself that none of those things actually happened. “But only because you won the game, not because of that explanation.”

“Sure, sure.” Evan says, hands running through Connor's hair, oblivious as always. “So I kissed you, you were confused, I explained and then we just sat down on my crappy couch, not knowing what to do. I asked you if you wanted to give being together a try,” Another round that Evan had won. “You said yes and asked me on a date,” That one Connor had won. “I said yes, we both realized that we actually had no time whatsoever to do that in that week and had to settle for going to one of the cafes at uni as an official date because that was all we had available and we were too giddy to wait.” An intake of breath. “I think that's all, isn't it?”

Connor takes a second, comparing what has been said with what they had discussed. “I think so, yeah. I mean, it covers the how, the when, the why... wait, shit, why did I confess in that moment and not later or before?” He opens his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek while he thinks. He sees Evan opening and closing his mouth, doing the same. “It couldn't be because we were going home or anything like that, we live close and it's not even the last year of college we have together. It can't be that someone was trying you and I had to beat them to the punch, because you have had relationships before and I haven't gone to you in the middle of a fucking thunderstorm or something. It's not a not thought out moment because I literally went to your dorm to confess, so it wasn't impulsive.” 

“We could change the scenario.” Evan offers, but Connor shakes his head.

“No time to relearn another story that we can retell easily.” Connor sighs and sits up. “I will come up with something, don't worry about it.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yes, don't worry, I will tell you as soon as I come up with something, you will just have to act all flustered which is kinda the same way you act when you have not prepared a lie, so we all win.” 

“Rude,” Evan mutters, before settling better on the sofa so he can face Connor. “So that's it? We made it?” 

“The story holds and if we start over practicing we are gonna look weird when telling it, like when you practice a presentation too much and end up going into memorization.” Connor reaches for his phone from where is charging, stretching to avoid leaving the sofa. “And we have an hour to relax and fall back into how we normally act.”

Evan nods and hesitates a second too long before taking his own phone, fingers flying over the screen. He is biting his lip, something clearly on his mind, and Connor needs to know what it is, because if Evan bites his lip enough to tinge it red, Connor is not going to be responsible for his actions. 

He kicks Evan softly on the shin to get his attention, eyebrow raised as a question. Evan huffs, blinking slowly before his eyes set on that unique brand of determination that Connor rarely sees, his shoulders set and chin raised.

“I don't think acting as we normally do will sell it,” Evan's voice doesn't waver, even if Connor's heart does at his next words. “Can I kiss you?” 

He can't say yes, his voice lost somewhere in the sea of longing that crashes into him as if pulled by the moonshine in Evan's eyes, but he nods his head and shuffles his socked feet, trying against all odds to look like this is not a big deal, as if he has not crossed lines he never intended to create in the first place. He ignores the part of him that is drowning, the tug at his lungs and the pressure in his chest that try to remind him of the context, of the framing of the offer he has been given. He centers on the part of him that is burning, that make his fingers tingle and his breath come out rather harshly in an exhale, the streak of a match that guide his lips into a smirk, confidence born of the fear of losing this before he can grasp it with both hands, of it melting and cracking against his skin without heat making it through.

Evan telegraphs his intentions as he moves closer, one of his hands reaching for Connor's and holding on, his thumb brushing the skin over Connor's knuckles, probably seeing the tension on the bow of Connor's shoulders and mistaking hanging by a thread self-control with nervousness. It's a point of contact and Connor would be grateful for the reassurance if he could divide his attention from Evan inching closer, leaning in, gone from sight when Connor's eyes close without him meaning to and far too present in the way Evan's breath fans against his lips, torturously slow. 

The weight of Evan's body on their linked hands is actually stronger than the pressure of his lips against Connor's, a brush that he could have imagined if his eyes hadn't blinked themselve open and Evan wasn't so close, slowingly pulling away. There is a huff of laughter between them and Connor tightens his hold on Evan's hand, stopping him from retreating and laughing, dizzy with want.

“Is that how you supposedly kissed me after I confessed?” Connor jokes, his heartbeat rabbiting inside his chest. “Gotta be honest, Hansen, I would have taken that as pity at best and apology as worse.” Connor says, instead of _ kiss me kiss me kiss me again please. _

Evan doesn't shy away or ducks his head, blush high on his cheeks. He doesn't punch Connor on the shoulder and tells him to drop it. He doesn't smile and dares Connor to do it instead. He doesn't pull away, doesn't tighten his hold, doesn't bring their foreheads together, doesn't put his free hand on Connor's chin, tilting it. Doesn't do anything of the things that Connor expects, doesn't do anything that he dreads or dreams of. 

What Evan does, in the end, is as simple as the snip of a scissor against a thin thread: He looks down at Connor's lips, a beat too long before blinking twice, as if waking up. 

Connor should ask, should offer the same courtesy Evan gave him, but he is moving before his brain catch up, closing the distance between them, seeing Evan's eyes fall close and following suit. He has imagined this, under the guilt and the hope, the feeling of Evan's jaw under his fingers, the pressure of lips against lips, the bruising grip on his other hand, anchoring him. He hadn't taken into account the tickling sensation of his own hair against his cheek, the effort of keeping himself from pushing for more, the poking of his nose against Evan's cheekbone, Evan's hand splayed over his neck, open and heavy. 

The need for air moves them recluctly from each other, hands trailing skin until they drop, fingers sliding away and lungs aching with the effort. There must have been a reason for Evan to suggest this, to take every whispered wish Connor had done to birthday candles since meeting him and wrap it around a question mark, but Connor can't bring himself to ask, to tease the truth when the lie of being wanted it's so fucking sweet, so breathtaking that he feels lightheaded. 

“Well-” Evan croaks, clear his throat, and reminds Connor that reality exists as he continues. “That should be real enough, right? Neither of us froze or tried to push the other away, so I think we can pull that off if for some reason we have to kiss at the party.” Connor doesn't care. Connor doesn't need to know. Evan keeps talking. “Not that I can think of why people would do that, but parties are weird, right? And your sister knows I am not like, averse to PDA, so it would be weird if I said… I mean, it would be weird if your sister saw me kissing you, but there are other people at the party, and maybe they would tell Zoe if I didn't kiss you and then she would think it's weird and ask you and then what would you even say?”

“Makes sense.” Connor says, knowing full well that it doesn't. That his sister wouldn't push in that way or that he could handle a stranger asking for stuff that is none of their business.

“Does it?” Evan asks, head tilted and Connor wants to kiss him again. 

“Yes,” Connor agrees, smile stretching as he tries his best to not burst out laughing. “What would I even say, Evan?” He feels giddy and stupid, words falling out of his mouth without his permission, too drunk in ignoring the sharp taste of bad decisions. “There is no logical reason for not kissing my boyfriend, right? Even better if I have an excuse for it.”

Connor has the pleasure of seeing Evan blush at that, and decides that it's better to stand up and stretch than leaning to kiss the color away, cracking his knuckles and pretending that the small ache is because of his own fingers instead of the forming bruises Evan had made. 

“So, we both okay with this?” Connor hopes it is, that he hasn't somehow misread the direction Evan had in mind. “Kisses, I mean.” He clarifies, horribly nervous out of nowhere.

Evan nods, “Yes,” He says anyway. “All the couple stuff, right? But kisses is kinda the thing we hadn't done before.”

Is this a thing now? Can this be a thing now? Please it be a thing that Connor can ask for after this whole charade is over, like the hand holding and the lap pillow. “Yeah, that should settle everything we needed to work for, I guess.”

“Great,” Evan stands up, stretches while Connor checks his phone. “I think I should go to my room and change clothes if I want us to be there on time.” He is picking his stuff from Connor's living room, tyding while Connor tries to remember if he might have an excuse to keep him here. “Hey!” 

“What?”

“Are you gonna wear the grey hoodie today?” 

“Which one?” 

“The one you like.”

Connor huffs, going to his room and leaving the door open so he can still talk to Evan. “I like all of them, I don't know what you are talking about.”

Evan hasn't follow, if his voice is anything to go by. “You have favorites. The old one. The one you got like, two years ago and still use for reasons unknown to all of us.”

It's thrown over his bed, the threadbare material stretched to the point that whatever letters it used to have have faded, leaving the fabric weirdly wrinkly. Connor is aware that not matter how much that he loves that piece of clothing, he wouldn't wear it to his sister's party, even less if he was taking someone with him. Even if that someone was Evan, who had seen him use it in a daily basis the first few weeks after he had bought it. 

“Nah, I don't think I will,” Connor confesses, running his fingers regretfully over it before going for his closet. “I think I am gonna take a jacket, it's not freezing today.”

“Oh!” And the voice is closer, making Connor startle and look over his shoulder and spot Evan, who has his backpack ready and is standing next to the doorframe of Connor's room. “Can you lend it to me?”

“What?”

“The hoodie,” Evan points towards it, as if Connor needed the visual aid. “You know I get cold easily.”

“I mean, sure,” Connor says, puzzled. “But aren't you going to your room to change? You have hoodies and shit there.”

“Yes, but this one is yours,” Evan explains, as if that make sense, taking the hoodie and draping it over shoulder. “I will text you when I am ready to go, unless you wanna meet there?”

“I think I am gonna shower, so I might take longer and I don't want to keep you waiting.” Connor admits.

“Text me when you are ready and meet me at mine, then.” Evan settles, before taking a breath and moving towards Connor.

“Okay.” Connor answer, whisper soft, as Evan takes his hand and pulls.

Connor doesn't have time to close his eyes or process, Evan pecking his lips before rushing out of the room, a hurried “See you” echoing on the walls after the front door snap shuts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its over for you guys after i learn how to write kisses

**Author's Note:**

> I know i have two already ongoing fics and im sorry for the delay if any of you read those, but i really needed a break from a lot of plot and just, you know. 
> 
> Random fact: this was gonna be a one shot but i am a sucker for validation and couldnt avoid a cliffhanger. rip me


End file.
